Unkle Munky Page 3
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." 'Notes' 1. Please note, due to the restricted space in Munky's cage it is sometimes necessary to muck-out (delete) the occasional entry. 2. Munky refuses to discuss periods, anal sex, Mark Owen and turnip abuse. 3. Munky leads a very busy life. Swinging from trees, eating bananas and wrecking cars can make for quite a full day. Please be patient. Unkle Munky will be with you as soon as humanly (munkly) possible. ---- Amanda from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend says he is allergic to the vacuum cleaner. Are there any drugs on the market that may help with this worrying condition? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Amanda, clinical tests regarding your boyfriends condition are still ongoing. I also suffer from this terrible affliction. It is imperative that the poor man be kept away from other domestic appliances (washing machines, irons, ovens etcetera). Luckily for you, Amanda, women are not affected by this potentially soul destroying allergy. ---- Kevin from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have (on several occasions) been informed that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Sir Cliff of Richards. Unlike the pompous tennis loving, bible bashing, perma-tanned toss pot, I do in fact enjoy a good shag! The trouble is, no one will come near me for fear of deflowering the worlds most famous abstainer. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Kevin, my sympathies are with you. I cannot begin to imagine the torment that you must have suffered (especially around the time of that Millennium prayer bollocks). I can only suggest that you leak a homemade porno flick to the press under the guise of the true Mr. Richards. With his cover seemingly blown you should be able to enjoy a whole new lease of life. Good luck! ---- Mr. Tarzan Abraham Montgomery the third asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my friends say that I am an habitual liar and that I must seek help. Do you have any advice? I am at my wits end and no mistake. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Mr. Montgomery, your rather extravagant name suggests to me that you are lying even now? I am afraid I must, for your own good, withhold any advice until such is the time that you can be bothered to furnish me with the truth. ---- Darren from Donnington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend often uses the batteries from the TV remote control for her vibrator! What can I do? It goes without saying, I am at my wits end! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Darren, your remote control problems are surely linked to your own sexual inabilities? If your girlfriend was satisfied in the bedroom department then perhaps the need for a vibrator would not arise (pun intended). The answer to your problem lies within your pants. You can increase your sexual desires by checking out 'Munky's Babes' on page two. Here's another one of my favourite ladies to be getting on (or off) with. ---- Russell from Torquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently had cause to visit my aunt in Southport. She knew exactly when I would be arriving as I had telephoned in advance. With this in mind, I am totally bemused as to why she did not bake a cake. Any ideas? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Russell, I feel that you might be taking the popular phrase too seriously. Your aunt has not broken any laws by not baking a cake. I am, however, in agreement that she has shown a terrible discourtesy towards you. I would seriously consider curtailing your visits until a formal apology has been forthcoming on her part. Perhaps a novelty cake displaying the word, ‘Sorry’ in yellow icing sugar would suffice? To be quite frank, I’m surprised that you are not at your wits end!? ---- Craig from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are your thoughts on the Diana conspiracy? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Craig, the rumours regarding Diana may rumble on, but I am 99% sure that she was indeed a natural blond. ---- Shirley from Doncaster asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently trying to trace my ancestors. All was going well until I hit a dead-end at the beginning of the bronze age. Do you have any advice? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Shirley, I have yet to discover the bronze age and can therefore offer no advice on this particular problem. My discoveries so far are as follows - Swinging from trees is a lot of fun, bananas are lovely and the 'apes' from Planet of the apes are, to be quite frank, laughable idiots whose complete lack of grace just exposes them for the charlatans they really are! I'm sorry, you hit a nerve there. ---- Gail from Chester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently moved into an old Victorian house that is, according to the locals, haunted. Until recently, everything was fine. For the past few nights, however, I have been aware of footsteps pacing up and down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. To be quite frank, I'm terrified Unkle Munky. What can I do? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Gail, fitting a carpet to your bare floorboards will add both warmth and comfort to your home as well as muting the footsteps of those noisy ghouls. ---- Steve from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are dog owners required to obtain a license to keep said pet? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Steve, although rarely policed I can confirm that any person owning a dog in the UK must first acquire a license. If money is tight you may want to consider purchasing a black and white dog. I hear that the licenses are cheaper for monochrome pooches. ---- Clouding the issue... Ryan from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the climate anomalies around here are becoming more and more extreme! This particular cloud seems to resemble an exotic bird of some kind? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ryan, according to my Bill Oddie book of Ornithology, you have simply snapped a Spoonbill. Get a grip! ---- Elaine from Fulford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was hoping to do some serious sunbathing this afternoon as I am holidaying in three weeks time and wanted to top up my tan. I am extremely fair skinned and have been told by my doctor to apply nothing less that a factor 30 sunscreen. Unfortunately, the only sunscreen that I can find in the house is a factor 15. Any ideas? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Elaine, simply apply your factor 15 sunscreen twice. It’s simple mathematics when you think about it. ---- Susie from Salford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a single girl in my mid twenties who believes that all household chores should only be performed after fulfilling a partners sexual needs. I also believe that the world cup is best viewed in the convivial atmosphere of a local pub and that feminism is all well and good in theory, but not in practise. With this in mind, do you think I'll have any trouble finding a boyfriend? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Susie, I regret to inform you that these fears may indeed hold some veracity. Please email me privately for further counselling. ---- Ron from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that twins can sense each others feelings? I have been dating a lovely girl named Cher for the past three months or so. Everything seemed fine until her sister, Claire, recently complained that the sex wasn't up to much! To be quite frank Unkle Munky, I am at my wits end. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ron, I have heard it said that twins often experience each other's pain, but never each other's orgasms. I can only assume that your 'lovely' girlfriend has been telling tales out of bed. ---- Announcement ---- John from Grimsby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, given that X equals 7 and Y equals 2, what is weather going to be like this weekend? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear John, I have fed your formula into numerous weather predictive software applications and, to be quite frank, the results are both unnerving and troublesome. I can only assume that your data is incorrect and that X is actually equal to 8, in which case we can expect wall to wall sunshine and a positive* (if not nail-biting) outcome for Eng-er-land. *Unkle Munky will not be held responsible for any unfavourable penalty shoot-outs that may occur on Sat 1st July 2006 Eileen from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently involved in a road traffic incident that, according to surgeons, has left the rear left-hand side of my brain slightly damaged. Apparently, this section of the brain controls an appreciation gland, a gland that was previously responsible for my admiration of the popular boy band combo, Westlife. Ever since the accident I have experienced violent outbursts of physical sickness whenever I see the boys. I used to worship them Unkle Munky. Can I make a claim? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Eileen, it seem to me that this accident has done you a great service. A friend of mine tragically admires the 'work' of Westlife. I have already attempted to run her over on three separate occasions since reading your letter. ---- Dale from Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that sheep count humans when they are attempting to sleep? 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh fer god's sake. ---- Trevor from Lancashire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my friend Dave has recently been arrested for dogging. I am sure that he has a license for his Labrador and so wondered how this could have happened? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Trevor, I fear that you may have misunderstood the term, 'dogging' and suggest that you google said activity at your earliest possible convenience. ---- Lee from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have (on several occasions) discovered my work colleagues lusting over my 'page three model' girlfriend whilst eating their morning cornflakes. It is seriously getting me down and, needless to say, I am travelling to wits end as we speak. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Lee, I can only assume that, as a child, you were involved in some kind of weird cornflake related incident. Perhaps, if you explain the situation to your work colleagues, they will be willing to eat elsewhere or indeed consume an alternative morning cereal. Good luck. PS. Please pass on my best regards to your fit girlfriend. She has a great pair of tits and no mistake! Well done. ---- Unkle's new sponsor... Lisa from Cannock asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you found a replacement sponsor yet for TyPoo tea? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Lisa, to be quite frank, I was trying to avoid introducing my new sponsor. It has been a hard struggle to get any kind of backing for the Unkle Munky project. The lack of interest has temporarily forced my hand. With this in mind I have reluctantly accepted the financial backing of a big gay, hairy, Christian from the Luton area who goes by the name of Dave. ---- Mike from Wolverhampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in three weeks time I will be jetting abroad with my beautiful girlfriend for a well deserved break. My problem revolves around the fact that she is mad about swimming. As there is a pool at the hotel I am worried that she will expect me to spend most of my time there. I am not a very strong swimmer and, to be quite frank, I don’t really enjoy it that much. I often suspect that she just wants to see me squeezed into a pair of Speedos. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Mike, I suspect that you might be right about the Speedos. I am no expert, but I cannot imagine why any woman would not find them attractive on a man. As for your aquatic dilemma, may I suggest the classic, ‘Urinating in the pool’ routine. I have it on good authority that women really hate swimming in other people’s piss. ---- Julian from New Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that a large tattoo on my back of a bald eagle ripping the guts out of some rotting carcass will help me to attract the ladies? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Julian, I have a tattoo of a lovable mole on my left shoulder. The only thing I ever attracted, however, was a vicious pitchfork attack at the grubby hands of an irate gardener. I no longer sunbathe in the grounds of the local park. To be quite frank Julian, I am under the impression that most girls do not get turned on by the savage depictions of which you speak. Perhaps a cuddly hamster would suffice? ---- Graham from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my mum says I cannot join the revolution until I've tidied up my bedroom. This strikes me as unfair in the extreme. What do you think? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Graham, overthrowing governments and generally challenging the social constraints under which we exist is all very well, but you will only get one mother and you must always do as she says. ---- Robert from Mersyside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who is responsible for painting the equator around the planet and what are the logistics behind said line? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Robert, the line in question only appears on maps and is not, as you mistakenly assume, painted onto the actual surface of the planet. ---- Sharon from Burnley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my mum says that I can join the revolution so long as I am home by nine thirty! Surely I cannot revolt in such a short space of time? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sharon, you would be amazed at how quickly some people can revolt. As in my previous reply to Graham, I must advise that you do as your mother requests. ---- Jeff from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am struggling to imagine the vastness of infinity. Is there someway of getting it into perspective? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jeff, here is an equation that I have been working on with regards to this very problem - ---- Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a man robs £20,000.00 from his local bank and the proceeds to purchase the following - 1 plasma screen tv £2500.00, a Motorola Slvr on a 12 months contract £350.00, a leather jacket with a rather attractive purple lining £500, a recordable dvd player £250 and a Shane Ward cd at £9.99, how much will he have left to spend on class 'A' drugs? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Alan, I am becoming increasingly concerned with regards to your eleven plus exam and can only hope that you do not allow this kind of questioning to taint your future. In response to your question, he would have £16,640.01 remaining. More than enough, I am sure, for some serious weekend shenanigans. ---- Cassandra from Oxforshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a tree falls to the ground and there is no one around, does it scream? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Cassandra, only a tree employing an extremely versatile voice coach would stand to succeed in such a feat. As to why any tree would only choose to utilise this amazing skill when alone and falling is, quite frankly, beyond me. With these factors in mind, I must conclude that trees do not verbalise the horrors of untimely downfall, whether in or out of human earshot. ---- Michelle from Scunthorpe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the point of fluff? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Michelle, fluff is simply nature's way of telling you to clean your navel. ---- Kelvin from Camden asks - Dear Unkle Munky, it is often said that the second CD is always the most difficult to produce. I am about to record the follow-up to my disastrous debut, 'Jesus Christ Potato Head' and wondered if you had any tips. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Kelvin, the 'difficult' law regarding follow-up CD's only applies to artists who have enjoyed success with their previous effort. I think we can safely say that you hardly fall into this category as your CD, ‘Jesus Christ Potato Head’ only sold three copies (one to your mum, one to your step-dad and one to the bloke down the road who still thinks that Frankie Goes to Hollywood are number one with Relax). Good luck with the new CD. ---- Big Gay Dave Recommends... ...really Dave, I don't think that's going to do a thing for Speedo's sales targets. ---- Big Gay Dave says - Dear Unkle Munky, your snide remarks regarding my fuller figure have not gone unnoticed. As the only person willing to back your somewhat questionable column, you would be best advised to treat me with a little more respect. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Big Gay Dave, get over yourself (if that's possible given the dimensions depicted). I have already thrown one under-performing sponsor to the wall and would have no qualms about repeating said actions with you (though I would obviously need to hire a JCB capable of lifting such loads). I actually quite liked Speedos until I saw them on you! Now, if you don't mind, I have problems to solve. ---- Gareth from Blackpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have until recently always worn Speedos when frolicking on the beech with my special friends. They offer both comfort and style at a price that's right. My problem revolves around the fact that some big fat hairy bloke is now advertising them and, to be quite frank, I am not sure that I want to be associated with this image. 'Unkle Munky says -' See what you've done Dave! Dear Gareth, wear your Speedos with pride. I am wearing mine as I type and shall shortly mow the lawns in them. Big Gay Dave will not influence the dropping of my pants. I advise you take a similar stand. ---- Julia from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my mum says that I can join the revolution after I have done the dishes. My problem revolves around the fact that I have 'the sniffles'. Do you think they will postpone the anarchism until I feel more up to it? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Julia, revolutions by their very nature are not held to ransom by people who, 'have the sniffles'. I suspect that you are not quite what the local dissidents are looking for and would therefore strongly suggest that you stay home and watch Eastenders instead. ---- Brian from Dudley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my psychologist says that the best way to deal with my phobia is to face it head on. I am shit scared of lions Unkle Munky and wondered where in Dudley I could best go to find one? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Brian, anyone in their right mind will shit bricks at the sight of a lion. To be quite frank, I cannot see you bumping into the subject of your phobia whilst residing in Dudley. I can only suggest that you enjoy the sunshine and spend the afternoon watching the England/Portugal match… (try not to dwell on the three lions motif of course). ---- Advertisment ...you don't say? ---- Sophie from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the 'A' that I recently acquired in algebra was not accompanied by any kind of explanation as to what exactly the letter 'A' was meant to equate! I expected better from my tutors, I really did. Any ideas as to what the mysterious 'A' could denote? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sophie, there is no value associated with this particular 'A'. You have achieved a near perfect grade in something that you will doubtless never need to call upon ever again in your lifetime. Well done! ---- James from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently got a 'D' in my algebra test. To be quite frank, I do not know if this is good result or a bad result. What is the point of algebra anyway? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear James, I have contacted the British Board of Clever Dicks on your behalf and their reply is as follows - Dear Mr. Munky, in response to your query - Algebra is equal to the sum of 'A' divided by 'X' and perpetually multiplied by 'Z' until invisible to the human eye. With this in mind we can safely conclude that the point of algebra is something close to the surface area of a pin head. Sarcastic bastards! P.S. You did crap in your test, but I wouldn't worry about it. ---- Anne from Slough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been seeing a lad named George for almost three months now. He seems really nice. I am beginning to think long term with regards to our relationship and wondered if you could advise me as to what the stars may have in store for us. He is a Leo and I am a Scorpio. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Anne, how lovely. Congratulations. I have studied your charts and also spoken to that fat bloke... not Dave, what's his name... Grant! Russell Grant. He says that you are very well suited but that you must be cautious towards the end of September when George's sun will rise and attempt to enter Uranus. ---- Pete from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I suffer terribly from hay fever and wondered if my Grannies floral carpet could be adding further to my misery? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Pete, Floral depictions of any description, be they depicted upon carpets, curtains or even a favourite dress would not induce a sneezing fit. I cannot help but wonder if your Granny is using the new limited edition 'Scents of summer' Shake n Vac? ---- Garth from Mersyside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently learned that my girlfriend of just two weeks has fake tits, eyelashes and lips. Can I make a claim? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Garth, this is a sign of the superficial times I'm afraid. Claims cannot be made regarding your girlfriend's falseness as men have previously used similar, if not less convincing, tactics to land themselves a mate. ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu... 003